The Teddy Bear That Talked Back

The Action Man who tried to strangle me
Got what was coming. Couple of nicks with a hacksaw,
One quick chop. Decapitation. Splendid,
He never felt a thing. And the Scalextrix
Car that wheelied off a bend and whacked me
In the forehead wished it hadn’t when –
Petrol-doused, a flick of flint – flame
Licked its bodywork, and, well – Kaboom!
But don’t ask about the teddy bear that talked back.

I did a lot of things I’m glad I did.
I was a naughty little boy, and proud. Barbies,
Airfix planes, footballs – I didn’t care
What it was or whose – if it done me wrong
I did it in. I once melted
A whole platoon of Russian soldiers when
Their captain tried to attack me from behind.
But don’t ask about the teddy bear that talked back.

If I could do it all again, I’d do it all
Again, gladly – with no misapprehension.
It was me that gave my best friend’s Dr. Who
Eternity – he shouldn’t have laughed – and when his
Hopper hopped me I’d the corkscrew out
And in in a flash, and never a twinge of conscience since.
But don’t ask about the teddy bear that talked back.

David McLintock lives in the south of England. After learning all he can about cultivating weeds and constructing rickety structures on his allotment he has turned his hands to DIY. He is currently wrecking his house. Meanwhile, his plans to become “the editor of a famous etiquette book” have been put on hold while he tries not to swear so indecorously whenever he is at his computer.

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