wasted intimacy

i love him
when he calls me
from playa de carmen
it’s hot here
            you’re hot
i’m sorry
            you have to see this

same as i loved him
that night
on a new jersey beach
manhattan lights
glinting over
oil-slick water
our city
only a river
& a reality away

we threw pennies
from the
staten island ferry
& promised
to come back
but he’s not the boy
that talked about
our tribeca apartment
who needs a
            real kitchen
this close to
            hell’s kitchen

we would’ve
washed t-shirts
            peeled carrots
                        scrubbed dishes
in the bathroom sink
kraft mac & cheese
until we paid off
student loans
& made something
of ourselves

now he’s all
bloody nosed
            car crashes
                        skipping class
i still let him
drive me home
it’s midnight
screaming down i-5
i’m not afraid
to die together
the inevitability of
living apart
is worse
fourteen-year-old me
sits in the backseat
at what we’ve become

but someday
he’ll want more
a screened-in patio
wrapping around
his old southern house
gin & tonic
                        tom collins
from the bar cart
boiled peanuts
a peach tree family
i can’t give him
any of that
i was raised
for blazers
& business class
my heart beats with
metropolitan inertia

i love him
like i love new york
a useless devotion
not meant to be
acted on
what a waste
of intimacy
to love someone
too much
& not enough
all at once

Amelia Nason is a Next Generation Indie Book Award finalist, a Scholastic Art & Writing Award winner, and an alumna of the Interlochen, Fir Acres, and New York Times summer writing programs. She also edits for Kalopsia Literary Journal. Her work is featured in Ice Lolly Review and Full Mood Mag. When she isn’t writing, Amelia fences competitively and enviously reads the acknowledgements sections of her favorite books. You can find her on Twitter: @amelia_emn.

This entry was posted in Poetry and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.